Good Medicine
There is no doubt that a positive outlook can be good medicine for over-taxed bodies, minds and hearts: it can increase immunity, extend our lifespan, and reduce depression, to name but a few health benefits. However, as with all good things, an excess of the “it’s all good” approach can actually be harmful.
“Toxic positivity,” or the belief that we should have a positive mindset regardless of how we really feel or how dire or difficult the situation, takes positive thinking to an overgeneralized extreme and denies any emotion that isn’t happy, positive, or “spiritual.” (The latter is known as “spiritual bypassing,” a term coined by the late psychologist John Welwood, and specifically refers to the use of spiritual ideas and practices to repress or avoid difficult or unresolved emotional issues.) This certainly doesn’t mean that an optimistic outlook, the cultivation of gratitude, and faith in something greater than ourselves are detrimental in and of themselves (in fact, they can provide profound comfort and solace and are crucially important for our wellbeing), but when they’re used to deny or avoid the truth of our lived experience, they hurt more than help.
Here are some examples:
Even though people usually mean well when offering these types of responses (often they just don’t know what to say or are trying to avoid their own feelings of discomfort), they deny the recipient the real support they’re needing to authentically face and metabolize their experience. Rather than being able to share normal human emotions and gain unconditional support in times of distress, people find their feelings dismissed, ignored, invalidated or shamed.
Toxic positivity can be subtle and can take many forms. We’ve been deeply conditioned in our culture to “buck up” and “be strong” (meaning we’re trained to deny and repress our so-called “negative” emotions and “fix” them as soon as possible), so we often abandon ourselves and others by consciously or unconsciously supporting that ingrained belief system. Some signs of that include:
Brushing off problems rather than facing them Feeling guilty about being sad, angry, or disappointed Hiding or disguising how you really feel Minimizing other people's feelings because they make you uncomfortable Trying to be stoic or "get over" painful emotions
Taking a more mindful approach can help you identify and respond to how you're feeling in a healthy, compassionate way. Acknowledging what you’re feeling and naming it validates your experience and gives you the space to decide how to respond. Phrases like, “It’s ok to feel this way,” “I’m here to listen,” or “Tell me how you feel,” are all useful ways to offer ourselves and others the receptive and compassionate environment—and the good medicine—we all need when we’re in distress. The words whole, health, healing and holy all share the same Old English origin, which suggests that the understanding of the interconnectedness of body, mind, and spirit and how this relates to our health is not a modern phenomenon. All our emotions serve a purpose and carry a sacred message of wisdom and healing if we give ourselves permission to feel them and allow them to flow through us, without becoming overwhelmed or overly identified with them. Although it isn’t easy, the soft, slow, gradual work of being in relationship with the parts of ourselves we often deny—the sadness, the anger, the depression, the fear, the grief—is crucial to our wellbeing, maturation and evolution as human beings. By offering these powerful and tender parts our curiosity, awareness and compassion, we increase our resilience, strengthen our hearts, and become agents of powerful healing for ourselves and others.
Paula Sarvani
|
